Food For Thought

Notes

Sat, 01 May 2004 21:04:47 GMT

just jotting down some stuff i've thought about since last time i updated, figured if i put this somewhere i might eventually write about it. i would now, but i dont really think i have the time. anyway...

pride vs honor
respect as a life purpose & various shades of respect
my true source of values and moral guidance

obviously ther is more that i've thought about but nothing comes to mind at the moment. i would also like to add that these topics are almost completely devoid of relevance to anything happening in my life, and any attempted connections between them will almost definitely be meager at best. i'll be back to expand on these topics when i've gotten rid of that bothersome play and whatnot.

Revert

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 04:03:02 GMT

Well I've decided that I'm going to still occasionally write about stuff in here, just to write. Prolly not going to be anything about people or things going on in my life, but more of the stuff that this journal was originally intended for-just recording my thoughts and views and beliefs. Prepare for various lectures and rants on overly idealistic perspectives of the universe. But before you mock them, please note that they are mine, and there's still a certain appeal about them, or at least I think so.
So i'll be updating periodically whenever I get in the mood to write something.

and yet...

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 21:32:04 GMT

eh...dammit...

things are good

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 18:40:06 GMT

i woke up today, thought of last night, and couldnt help but smile...
its been a week since the last entry in here, so i might as well add in some new stuff...where to begin...
well, obviously i'm no longer all pissed off. i didnt get grounded and all the crazy shit that was goin on settled down a bit. me and ashley talked and the whole screwed up thing from saturday or friday or whatever day it got all screwed up on at newport is all ok. all sorts of relatively good things happened. had lots of hoework all week, had to do that report for world cultures(by the way, i despise mr. c now, maybe i'm not completely un-angry), and had to go to play practice, which actually turned out to be well worth it(ashley is in the play too, and we had a decent amount of free time in between our parts). ah yes, speaking of ashley...
2d had another party on saturday. not too many people showed up, just the usual kent-sanchez-taylor group, with the same freshmen as last time, and of course ashley. sumthin like twelve of us in all. it was ok tho, as me and ashley just sorta went off on our own for most of the time. after a while we went outside and laid down in the grass admiring the moon. poradically interrupted, sumthin happened with taylor and robin i'm not really sure but i think its all ok now. all i kno is that taylor got mad about sumthin and went away outside(when he came out adn walked past us, i htough he was just being sent out to see what we were doing by sumbody and purposely pretending not to see us so as to avoid suspicion, but i realize now that this is completely unlike taylor, so i should have realized sumthin was going on), and was gone for a while. but ashley and robin went and found him and then ashley came back and things were all ok again. then we went for a walk to my house, which we named tim, and then we walked back. we went inside and came back out again later, and went around to the side of the house and had a wonderful little time over there :) but then when we went back inside she went into the bathroom and got snogged by scott, the gay guy...uh-huh...right...anyway, that aside, it was a great night cause i got to once again spend a lot of time with ashley, talking and just holding her, which i told her was teh only thing i really needed to be ahppy, just to be with her. and its true. when i'm with her i am boundlssly happy. holding her is wonderful, feeling her holding me is wonderful, she is just wonderful.

Grounded for WHAT?!

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 23:58:25 GMT

alright now i'm just fucking pissed off.

grumble grumble grumble

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 18:33:37 GMT

well yesterday sucked ass. got to newport(really late, more damned family trouble), met people at johnny rocket's, ashley wasnt there. we got up after everyone finished eating. found out that if ur not 16 then theres an 830 curfew(bullshit). so we had to go see a movie, then we found ashley and people on the way over to hte theater. they had to leave by ten tho. and then everyone else decided to see lord of the rings. ashley said she was gonna go wander around in cincy. i tried to find sumthing we could all do, but then turned around and ashley was gone. not cool. and while i could have gone off alone and tried to find her, i doubt i would have had very good odds of success. so that sorta screwed the whole night. went and watched the movie, which i had already seen twice. went back to nick's. played a little halo, interrupted by looking for ashley online. then slept. woke up, looked for ashley some more, played halo some more, ate, looked for ashley some more, left came home, looked for ashley some more , and so on until now. and now i'm bored, ashley still is nowhere to be found, and i'm not in a good mood. things are just fucked up all over. and i want to find sumthing to do tonight besides just goin to the damned youth group meeting and the damned latin school play(doing things i dont want to do with people i dont really wanna be with)......im just really irritable right now. bad day and i'm tired. gonna go get a shower.

and once again continuing...

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 03:24:52 GMT

and so ashley finally came back and we spent a good long time hugging each otehr and leaning on each other and apparently she fell asleep on me, which is fine(glad i make such a good pillow). and then we moved back to the basketball courts, where i sat and she stood/sat behind me. then we eventually started palying basketball, which i hesitantly joined into a bit later, having talked a bit with jinn and spille. it was a good time but soon we had to get packed up and leave and stuff, and just before leaving had one last hug.
so looking back on all of that, it was a great night. especially the last part at the lock in with ashley. i remember several moments clearly, and treasure them. on the bball court, ashley standing over me, looking into her eyes...jinn complaining about y we didnt just snog and get it over with, and ashley sort of mummuring sumthing like, "you dont get it, we've been thru so much"(which to me was incredibly, profoundly touching)...all sorts of little things here and there...
it was just great.
the rest of the weekend didnt really matter. cant wait for friday, newport, and ashley's gonna be there.

well as long as i've still got some time left over...

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 23:17:51 GMT

and i STILL wanna talk to ashley. o well...
sooo...at that point, having more or less abandoned halo, i think we went back out to the main area and started playing/watching pool. the whole transition is a little fuzzy, as it was seemingly uneventful and it was beginning to get late. and it was surrounded(followed) by much more signifigant events. jinn started scratching kents back, just sort of tracing her fingernails along his back, and ashley followed suit on me soon after. it was really rather soothing, although it was a very very unusual sensation and brought out an involuntary twitch every now and again when she got to my sides below my ribcage. regardless this went on unchecked for some time, and i enjoyed it. order of events again got pretty fuzzy here, but i remember at some point playin some pool against kent or taylor or someone, and then also playing thru all of time crisis three with ashley either scratching or hugging me from behind. on a side note(i cant help myself), me and kent/nick's score on the game got ranked first place. and i had the better score fo the two players. anyway, having ashley on me was just a tiny bit distracting. just a bit. closer to monstrously hard to so much as keep my balance, especially when she was hugging me. since the game requires you to use your feet for a pedal, it was not easy to keep balanced on one foot, while trying to press the pedal whe i needed to by holding my other foot above it, but in this way i could keep from moving the rest of my body too much, and thus shaking off ashley, which would not have been cool. once we finally got done with all that(order of events reestablished), we went and stood with a corner and ashley hugged me and i held her in return and it was just a wonderful little time. we eventually parted and ashley disappeared somewhere with jinn. i tried to find her after a few minutes but i couldnt find her so i just gave up. wait, that was prolly when i started playing pool. i dont kno. anyway, she came back and now i have to go because my dad's here. i'll finish later.

I wanna talk to ashley!

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 23:01:15 GMT

well. things have gotten different. or have they. when we the last time i wrote in here? ah, just before the lock in. hmmm. so much to write about...
so,picking up from where i left off, i got my haircut, and it wasnt that bad, in both my own opinion and ashley's so its all good. works out well enough at least. after the hair cut i sat around the house until goin over to fieger's for dinner with peeps before the dance. lasagna. not great, and i wasnt hungry, but i ate. lots of pictures and stuff. then a few minutes watchin a basketball game before the ride got there. got to the dance, and hung around there all night. some people i knew showed up. i wished some of them hadnt. danny was there, as was hunter, dustin and herby, and thats mostly who i was with for the night, as far as guys are concerned, but harris was also there, and it annoyed the hell out of me. i tried to hang around fieger as much as i could, just out of couresy if nothing else. and shes really not that bad, although things are a bit awkward. also there were a bunch of her friends who i dont kno, as well as some i do kno like natalie, karen, and heather, but i also met hunter's and danny's girlfriends, who i've never seen before, and i saw some of the other old st. joes peeps like lisa and emily and staci. all in all it wasnt that bad, cause besides harris i didnt have to deal with anyone i hate. could have been better if people(besides the guys) were talkin a bit more so we all didnt just stand there a lot, but it was ok. and then came the lock in. my late entrance was beautiful, seeing as i attracted everyone's attention immediately, followed by infinitely many cat calls concerning my clothes(really ratehr funny). so i went and changed and ran into ashley almost immediately after coming back out. we sat around for a while, we set upo the halo lan, we played one game and more or less gave up on my mini-lcd screen with zero picture quality with movement(essential to halo). that and i sorta felt like we were leaving a bunch of people(aka the girls, and obviously more specifically ashley). so instead we went around and hung out in some other places. then things started getting good. but i'm jsut gonna stop the update on my life here and get back with the rest later, becasue my dad is coming to pick me up for dinner and i need to cahnge out of track clothes. more later

maybe not

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 21:03:30 GMT

ok so that was my brother pulling in and(big surprise) my mom is late. who woulda thought. ok great. now she's here. figures.

my memory is slipping

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 21:01:33 GMT

huh...coulda sworn i put sumtin in here since that last post...thats odd. o yea it was te reply to the comment. yay. ok anyway. yea ashley found this(hi ashley!). so thats all well and good and all. so what can i say? things are getting a bit different. i'm supposed to be leaving to get a hair cut(ew) in a few minutes, so i can look all nice and stuff for the dance tonight(i cant wait...yeaaaaaaa...right) and the following lock in. the dance should be alright, we're goin to dinner (at fieger's) before it, and then goin, and then i'm goin back to the lock in with my mommy(yay). that oughta be fun, because first the seniors are setting up some sort of halo lan which we, the best players in the school, will inevitably get mixed up in(i'll be bringing a mini-tv, system, and cables regardless). secondly, abby is supposedly goin to be playing too, cause she likes the game, or so i'm told, and thats just sorta cool(first chick i've ever met who plays video games). and thirdly and most importantly, ashley(hi ashley!) is apparently goin to be there and not only that but also intends to spend a lot of time with me(which i am quite happy about). from the past few days, it would appear that she has an incredibly high opinion of me. yay. on a lesser note, i'm not feeling so sick anymore, my low fever was gone by the morning and i was actually very very refreshed when i woke up, which practically never happens. so i'm hoping its the start to a good day. we'll see. so far it hasnt been bad. but theres still a long way to go, a lot of good and bad stuff that could happen. i'm optimistic. more later. must leave now for dreaded hair cut.(bye ashley!)

still doubting my sanity

Fri, 27 Feb 2004 23:12:06 GMT

well things came to a high point yesterday/this morning. I almost snapped in the very first class of the day, for virtually nothing, adn completely without warning. i had been late again. thrid time this week. detention pending. actually, i was late every day this week, but i sumhow got out of it twice. things had just been constantly building. I've been sick-ish. just a bad cold, really tired, throat hurts, but nothin that i could use to get out of school by my mom's rules. not only that, but physically track was wearing me out. plus there was the indoor soccer. which we lost. that sucked. and then of course all the emotional things that have been goin on what with ashley and that freshie party and everything. Mentally i had been drained from fps practices and the comp that was thursday. we had a ton of homework and projects that were keeping me up later and removing my sleep. and i kept staying up late with ashley trying to talk to her. i was spread out as far as i could go, and i just couldnt keep it up. the full force of everything just hit me all at once around 11 last night, just as i finished up my biology work. i was trying to talk to ashley again and this time i just couldnt take it. i was prolly annoying her by being so vague. in fact, she sorta said so. but unlike my previous complete erratic thoughts, i just had this constantly downward spiral. I felt sick, physiclly and emotionally and mentally, disappointed in myself, depressed, angry as hell, weak, cold, empty. it was a fully blown experience of utter despair. and i started crying. not long after, i had the notion to ask ashley about what was going on with her. and about half way thru what i was trying to get her to say, i just started laughing. at first i thought it was just crazy. then i thought that i might be just about to sadistically unload all my anger on her. but after a little bit, i realized it was because i had found something. i hadnt gotten what i had wanted that moment. but i had found someone who was like me. just listening to ashley talk about her emotions, it was like she was feeling exactly what i was. it was incredible, this feeling that i had that there really was hope, that i really wasnt isolated. my anger just vanished. i wasnt sad anymore. i was absolutely jovial. i kinda kno what did it, but i dont really kno, and hell it could all just be some sort of subconcious lie to myself. but i am better now. quite frankly, i seem to be infuriateing others with my own happiness. i got my mom screaming at me for no real reason just because i wasnt getting all upset about missing a party anymore and hadnt told her, and she was absolutely furious that i hadnt tried to tell her. i had. and i said so. and she just got all upset about it. i didnt care. it was funny really. everythings funny now. i love it.
Its not goin to be so incredibly evident to anyone else so soon. i'm not goin to immediately become a completely different person from what you all kno me as. but i kno i'm different, and that will begin to slowly take root and show. i'm in no hurry. i'm happy now. it was crazy i kno, like some psychotic mood swing. but even if it is, i cant get any lower than i was, and this is much better. but i have to go so i'll finish up later

a night of deep thought...

Mon, 23 Feb 2004 22:39:51 GMT

well last night i didnt sleep much, due to the fact that i couldnt stop thining about things. most of this was spurred on by my reading part of Ender's Shadow, a sort of sequel to Ender's Game, my ever so beloved book. anyway, i seem to have realized that as much as i might actually want to do sumthing to ashley i wont. i realized a frightening similarity between myself and Bean, the main character, primarily because he thinks almost exactly the smae way i do, without emotion. i had considered myself like ender, who in my opinion is, while not as boundlessly smart or efficient as Bean, had always won everything, even when he could have done it much easier by "cheating". he always did what he was supposed to do, even if it was impossible, and he still won anyway. bean on the other hand, if given an impossible task, would simply go outside the task, "cheating" his way around it, and this achieve every victory he needed. but he hadnt always won, because losing was a politcal move for him. ender had always won, and then beten the political repercussions. ender was much stronger than bean, able to deal with responsibility. i am like bean. i am emotionally detached. i win when i need to, make all the political moves that put me in perfect position. but i dont always win. i do it because i am too weak to deal with always winning, with actually doing well. and because of this emotional detachment, i cannot punish ashley in any way. because i cannot be angry. without anger, i am left without motivation, and without motivation, i lose action. in addition to this, i pose to myself a deep moral consequence. in punihsing ashley, i would really just be betraying her as she betrayed me. perhaps deserving of it, but i am not worthy of betraying myself. i would have to do this, and it is not somehting i should do. at the same time, i realized that my idea of sheilding everything, takin on the pain alone, and putting up a fake face showing her how we were still friends, is exactly what pissed me off so much in the past, in the other times when i was betrayed. that was the reason i was was betrayed last time. back into the context of the book, i believe i was born an ender, but after being betrayed, i was more or less forced to become a Bean. fromt hat point, i was slowing reverting back to my true and good self as ender, but time and time again i was pushed back towards a Bean personality. and i had come so close, soo very tantalizingly close, to finally regaining my identity as an ender, and all because of ashley, that this latest betrayal may have pushed me further back towads bean, even perhaps permanantly, than ever before. last night, with all these thoughts and so many more that i can no longer remember(i am only telling you my very first train of thought, which was all realized in literally only a few seconds, out of the hours i laid awake) i very very much felt a strong rise of mixed and jumbled emotions, which combined can only really be expressed through tears. i felt like crying. i even tried to cry. just to get it out. i couldnt. i got so very close so many times. but i somehow could not or would not let myself cry. i could not let myself be expressive, nor let myself appear weak, although the act would have been one of incredible strength in my own opinion, not just to break the male stereotype of anti-crying, and be unabashed, but also because of my particular circumstanes, which if you do not understand by now, you may never understand, and i will never expect you to. in fact, just leave now. actually, no one may ever understand them, something that worries me deeply. if i dont get some comfort, some understanding sometime, then my life will have been an utter waste) ok so with all that out, on to what i learned today. ashley seemed barely able to look at me. while our conversations online have been increasingly friendlyand light hearted, this hardly seems natutal for either of us. we passed each other several times. no words exchanged. despite her usual tendancy to just say hello overly hyperly out of boredom or whatever, she didnt even seem to want to look in my direction, even when it was just us passing each other outside after school, no hurry for either of us. i was almost goin to say hi, until i saw that it seemed she was purposely looking down, as if to be as inconspicuous and oblivious looking as possible. and just now, glancing down my buddy list and reading her away message, i feel she may have a deeper knowledge of what is goin on withme than she would let me kno. i didnt think she was so oblivious, but until now there were no real hints. however, this:
Don't get my sympathy
Hanging out the 15th floor
You've changed the lock 3 times
I still comes reeling through the door
One day I'll get to you
And teach you how to get to purest Hell

You do it to yourself you do
And that's what really hurts is
You do it to yourself just you
You and no-one else

awkward... terribly awkward.

-hardly seems like it would just be a coincidence. perhaps there is hope after all. this is encouraging. perhaps she really does kno what i'm doin. perhaps she knows how much this is hurting me. holding it all in and putting up this nice face. i dont suppose it would be overly difficult to realize, but then most people would simply take the easiest exit out, the one i offer them. but maybe she knows, and feels the same sort of betrayal i have felt in the past, when other try to shield the truth from you. and it does hurt. maybe my hop is that she might feel the betrayal and maybe thru it finally be able to understand. maybe she just feels bad about me fairly clearly not trusting her so much(and although i tried to put up the everything is ok face, i think that little bit is still almost impossible to miss). and maybe she understnads everything. maybe she's found this and its helped her along. maybe she didnt even need the help. if so, then i suppose everything really is ok. because she would understand. there would be work to do, but the goal would be within reach. and both of us would be willing. but this is probably all just hope. as pessimistic as it may seem, thats how i feel. hope is hardly worth looking into. its never really paid off in the past. mayb e given the same choice befor this had all happened, i could have taken to hope and trusted and believed. but all of that is gone now. the cut is deep, so deep that i may never heal, or worse, be fatal to the person it was inflicted upon. it could make my ender side die off. or worse, this wound could simply fester, burning and growing like some malignant cancer until it was totally out of control. but that would require lots of emotion. while i've got more htan enough, it would have to be real, expressed emotion, and i'm a little short of that of late. and so it ends for now. not only am i about done anyway, but i have to go as well, because i have to "work on my homework". as if i give a shit about that. as if it could really make a difference anyway.
.......
...
fuck it i'm done. im tired.

and the souless vessel sets up the scene...

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 06:13:52 GMT

and so i asked ashley the one and only question that came to mind, one of the few thing that i had not been able to figure out. y had she apologized. by this tim i have resigned myself to the fake friendship aspect, although i am not entirely sure that i wont turn this around and use it to my own cruel advantage, which doesnt really sound so sickeningly mean to me anymore. and according to her, she had apologized to me because she was spouting all this not snogging with friends bullshit and the she went back and did it(nearly in her own words). so as far as i can tell, she feels bad because it was obviously a bad moment for me(not even kent could miss that, although taylor seemed to not care at all, the jackass) and because she feels she has sort of betrayed herself or at least lied to us, what with sayin all that idealistic crap and then doin the opposite. so as far as i can tell she really has no idea of what she has cause me in terms of emotional turmoil. she feels guilty to herself, but in no significant way towards me. and that sorta pisses me off. first, because she seems to be pretty oblivious to everything i feel, which is not really satisfying, and second because that means that there's no good reason to tell her, leaving my best option as the damn good old keep everything to myself and tell her its ok, relieving as much of her pain as i can, regardless of my own. and i fucking volentarily made that choice. but as i said, i still might use it to stab her in the back. that or i'm just gona explode on the next person to get on my nerves. i'm already really irritable.so the stage is set and my option laid out before me. i've got nearly the entire chain of events and emotions and so on pieced together, and i;ve got my current position fairly secure. now i can take this down the same road i'm on until i come to one of several ending with i think are limited broadly to a) simply goin until i explode, makin how i feel painfully obvious to everyone. b) do some sorta of friendly chat where i slowly and discretely turn the convo over to some darker topic and eventually just emotionally unload on her in a very hostile way or c) do the same thing as b, only with a more a sorrowful than spiteful attitude. as i said, i'm a bit partial to b. this is how i deal with things. i set them up in logical order, and then slowly decipher the deeper causes and meaning behind every little thing. i get whatever answers seem completely illogical directly from the source in a seemingly amiable way. then i weigh up my option and choose one, stickin to the path i choose until my labors finally come to their wicked fruition.

its almost like i want her to kno that its all just a mask, like i want her t be able to see thru it all and figure out, just for once have sum1 figure out, how i really feel, for sumone to be able to kno me well enough to kno i'm lying. i want to be caught, because to be caught would let them kno everything, and would prove to me that maybe they are, after all, worth goin for. but i've never been caught. am i really this good at being such a cold and calcultion animal, or is it just that everyone else is so oblivious, so very willing to be ignorant and so unwilling to try that there will never be anyone to catch me?

so sorry to interupt

Sat, 21 Feb 2004 15:37:15 GMT

well.oin a nutshell, life just bit me in the ass AGAIN. went to the basketball game last night, then afterwards some people decided to go to applebee's. i didnt really feel like it but i got stuck with goin anyway. so then we get this crazy idea to go kidnap taylor from a freshman party. again, i didnt feel like it. just didnt seem like an incredibly fun idea to me. but again i got screwed into goin. so we eventually get there around eleven, go kidnap taylor and take him upstairs. wow, that was fun. now we can go home. but wait, where'd kent go. someone go get him from the basement. adn even tho i was in my semi-sore post-track practice contion of not likeing stairs at all, i got screwed once more into doin something i didnt really want to:goin back downstairs to get kent. and of course when i got down there, there was yet another little happy bit to make my day sooo much better. when i got there, i figured i'd just call out "hey dumbass we're leaving" and kent would come running, i got about to "he..." which is where i stopped. becasue i turned around and saw him and ashley making out real quick before he left. that was fun. and then of course the car ride home, with kent, and then sanchez in the back just rambling on, completely clueless, and eventually getting to the question "what took u so long" followed by a sarcastic "what were u trying to get some from ashley and jake came down just in time to save u from being shot down?" i wish. and of course after finding out, sanchez said he saw bottles and smelled alcohol. kent agreed. i agreed too, but in reality i didnt see or smell anything while we were down there. back that up with several other factors, such as taylor saying that there was absolutely no alcohol and ashley's amazing quick reaction time when i went back downstairs(literally as soon as i saw them, they separated and ashley immediately spat out "i mean..." and goin back awhile, ashley said she never drinks unless she's just with her family or sumthing, never around other people. sry, but the drunkenness excuse is gone. i wont believe it for a second. so now that we've gotten all of that out of the way, i really should put in my reaction to the whole thing.but honestly i dont even kno how i feel. i could be angry. hell i should be furious. but then do i really have any right to be? we had agreed that we were just friends and that everything was cool. she had no obligation to me. so then should i be indifferent? tell her its ok, that it was her choice, her life, and i just dont want to get in the way. i should be hurt. although i dont really kno why, fo rthe same reason as before, but i should be anyway. but the real issue is, i SHOULD feel all these things. but i dont feel just on direction on this thing. i'm not just hurt or just mad or just indifferent. i feel a mix of all these things but not a single one of them strong enough, as if i hardly feel anything at all. alll i can think about is how disappointing all this is. i had started to have some faith in humanity after all. but now i think i've lost that. i had finally taken a second lok around, and seen some good, but now it seems to have passed on. it seems that once agian everything is disgustingly corrupt and distorted, that nothing is pure or good anymore. i feel once again betrayed. every time i try to be the nice social, outgoin, and good person that i'm told to be, i get fuced. and i'm getting pretty damn tired of it. seems like somebody has this all planned out, that my life has been programmed toperiodically screw me over and destroy me, reducing me once agai to the empty shell that i had just started slowly fill after all those years. and now its been done again. seems as if im destined to never live, to just be this cold, heartless blah, a body with no soul. how long will it take me to recover this time? will i recover this time around? seriosuly, how much more of this can i, could anyone take? and once again, the others try to sheild me, to protect me with worthless words and meaningless suport. all they're doing is mocking me, showing em that they dont think that i'm strong enough to handle it on my own, and that i need every little bit of help, even those vain, emotionless words, that i can get. y dose this always happen? y always me? people can just never say no to me, can they, they jsut have to lie and cheat, adn ten tell themselves that they did it to make it easier on me, when in reality, i kno that they're lying. and when i find them, when i finally prove that they did it, that they not only pushed me away but also betrayed me, then i feel the pain. right at that moment, i can see them, an theur faces. i see what they cannot. i see their own guilt, and that is the worst part of it. they act like hwat they've done is wrong, and that they kno that they've betrayed and crushed me, and their guilt proves it. it would be better if they just never bothered, just didnt react to me at all. at least that way it would be possible that they idnt kno, or just didnt care. but no, they're always guilt, they always make it so much worse. for other people, there might at least be some stisfaction, showing what they've done, becasue tehy can then justify their anger, justify their suspicion, and rub the guilt in the other's face. but thats not how i feel. i feel only that utterly deep, piercing pain that have bben betrayed, my trust has been violated, and my faith has been broken. i try to share myself, to let others in on mylife. everyone knows, or at least i do, that opening yourself up is always a risk, but the rewards are supposed to be great. not for me. no, everytime i open up myself to others, i get screwed. every single damn time. that is exactly why i am so quiet. i'm afraid to show any of myself, to show any weakness, becasue every time i have, i have been taken advantage of. i am tired of this SHIT. i want to be able to let myself out without having the mental and emotional (and in a few cases, physical) shit beat out of me every time i do it. so now i've got this interesting choice. i can a)pretend that everything is ok, and that i really dont mind, and that ashley is free to make her own choices, so we'll end up as still being good friends, although this wil be almost unbearably fake for me, or b) i can tell her how i really feel, leaving her feeling terrible and me feeling terrible and us not on such good terms with each other. but it would at least be how i really feel, not some lie i came up with to easy everyone else's pain. i am tired of taking the pain for everyone else. let them fend for themselves, i dont really give a shit about them anymore. screw you all. screw all of humanity. FUCK YOU ALL. y the hell do people do this shit? y cant just one other person not be completely lost. thats all i ask, i want one person who i can just trust without any worries at all, and i thought i had that. but clearly i did not.

y does this not seem like a good idea?

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 02:34:30 GMT

well i seem to have lost my will to write about the topics from so long ago. i'm rather bored. bored with everything. dont really want to write about anything. this definitely isnt good. need sumthin to keep me busy. o yea...thats what i was thinking about. just a random thought, but sometimes i really think its a curse to be smart. y? because if your smart, or at least if ur as smart as me, or at least if u think like me, i have no idea really. the point is, at least i question everything. and its driving me insane. i can stand my own thoughts, but i cant stop them. my thoughts just chain into each other, questioning something deeper and deeper in so many ways, and doing this to sooo many different things at once, and then as soon as its done, it starts over, either with the same thing or a new subject. delving into soo many different things, just questioning adn questioning and questioning. i just want my mind to shut up! i cant stand it anymore. i couldnt convey what goes on in my mind over the course of a millisecond i could not describe in a thousand pages. does anyone kno what its like? to question every action you've ever made? to constantly have your mind wander, and never be capable of stopping the endless stream of thoughts flowing thru your head? have you ever wanted to scream at your own mind to SHUT UP! god dammit. i really am starting to think more and more that i'm completely insane. this whole entry is insane. this cant make any sense to anyone, so y the hell would i even try to express it? and there goes several more streams of questioning. i just want someone to take me away from my own mind. to leave me with nothing to question, nothing to think about but them, and us. can anyone or anything make me happy? i used to hope so, but i'm beginning to lose faith. seems that none are incorrupt, not that i can brag about that.

got a bit interrupted last time...

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 05:38:29 GMT

had to leave for dustin's. anyway, with what i said before, i was just aobut done. one last thing to say. in reading over my entires, or rather just thinking over my thoughts, i realized something that i have long been suspecting. in english class we are currently reading Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment. The main character of this novel, a Russian man by the name of Raskolnikov, carries the plot along through his irrational thoughts, dialogue and his eventual murder of an old woman. for his constantly conflicting thoughts, his eternal self-contradictions, and his all around strangeness, he is considered by everyone who studies the novel to be, in effect, insane, mentally unstable and troubled. So what does this have too do with me? nothing at first. except one thing. Raskolnikov's thoughts, his logic, are far too familiar. I think the same way this "crazy" character does. sometimes even worse. what exactly does that mean? am I crazy? i honestly dont kno sometimes. what with some of the things i do, how i act, how i think, i cant help but feel that i might just be completely and totally insane, dilusional, whatever you want to call it. I, like Raskolnikov, seem to have multiple personas, one of kindness, warmth, and compassion, and the other cold, calculating, and merciless. we both feel like we want to be one at times, and the opposite at other times, that we should be this but are that, or vice verssa, and that although we constantly contradict ourselves, we are somehow chained to some ultimate and terrible fate which, for all the hate and disgust for ourselves which we will eventually feel, we cannot stop, even if we kno what we are doing as we do it. it'll be interesting to see how the book ends up. i'll just add that on to my list of things to read if you want to try to understand me better. well, with that done, i've completed recent events, hopefully for a while, unless i get into another highly emotional chain of events(not entirely unlikely). Now i'm going back to my good old crazy person rants about idealized situations and emotions and the way they have affected my life. perhaps in that, i can find what i am and what i want to be, so that i can hopefully avoid my frightful destiny.

a final recent events

Sat, 07 Feb 2004 00:07:00 GMT

well, thanks to some newly developed events, i've more clearly defined WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON. i now, after basically getting turned down from goin to the dance with ashley, have defined our relationship much more clearly. i was initially surprised at myself, and how little i found the whole thing disappointing. i should have been deeply saddened and whatnot. instead, i didnt really care. strange. i guess this is because all i really wanted was to know what "we" were exactly. and now i think i kno that. hell, did i subconciously set this whole thing up, just so i could get my question answered without asking directly. interesting.

back to basics

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 02:41:50 GMT

quite frankly, this has gotten almost exactly like i didnt want it to be. i didnt wanna talk aobut little things that happen from day to day. but i've ended up doin that. i attach thoughts to them, but they are still perhaps a bit shallow. maybe not. after all, i just wanted to sahre my thoughts, and i'm just sharing my thoughts here. i dunno.
anywho, i'm plannig a return to the general, philosophical questions soon. just figured i should get back on track.

damn the dance

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 03:04:20 GMT

people are annoyingly complicated. im not depressed anymore, amazing what a snow day and some sleep can do for u , cause i think thats what did it. anywho, despite everything that is still goin on, i've got the energy to supress it all now. back to my old ways. nonexpressive. i've noticed that i'm sharing what i feel a lot more openly and freely recently. good things are happening. i'm becoming more like i want to be. thats always good.
back to the topic, the villa dance. ug. wanna take ashley. dont wanna ask her, as thats not the point of a sadie hawkins dance. and i dont wanna make it like i made her take me, i dont want her to feel bad about it either way. if she wants to go with sum1 else, i dont wanna get in the way. had a convo with sarah lukey. odd convo. sorta hinted at sum1 asked her to find out if i had a date. i'm gonna need to find a date soon. or else i wont be able to go. and i wanna go. life would be so much easier if people didnt get all nervous about this shit. really, it would. but i guess i have no right to say people shouldntget nervous. after all, thats why i screwed myself over like this in the first place. still sorta hate myself for that. sigh. well, moving on.
having second thoughts about stuff in general. stuff thats really hard to explain. like maybe i dont really like the things i like or the people i like simply because i like them. perhaps another cause forces these things on me. the could be me doin the forcing, subconciously or not, or other peoples expectations. logically, its gotta be me in the end, so i cant blame it on other people. that could be a cause of my anger- i cant blame any of this on anyone but me. dammit.
ashley told me a day or two ago that it made her mad when people wanted to say things but wouldnt say them, for whatever reason. painfully relevant to what i feel. still said nothing
thats about it for now. so i'll be moving on and updating later.

well its been a while

Fri, 23 Jan 2004 23:43:01 GMT

i'm getting all depressed-like. bringing back memories of last time. doubt it'll get that bad this time around. at least i hope not. last time was bad. dont wanna go thru that again. anywho, after some review of old convos that my comp apparently automatically records, i feel like an ass. looking over what i said and then knoing what i did afterwards just disgusts me. i cant believe i did it. seems like it was so stupid. i was stupid. but it happened. cant be changed now. just have to try to make up for it.

i've got so much i want to say, to so many people, about so many things. but theres something that holds me back. either myself, or them, or somthing about society in general and the way things just dont seem to be able to work out so well. it doesnt matter. the fact is, no matter how much i want to say, no matter who i want to say it to, i dont say anything. i keep my silence. maybe because i want to hold my own burden, because i dont want anyone else to have to share it in addition to their own. or perhaps because i dont seem to have anyone to share that burden with. and i need someone to share with. desperately.

i've thought about writing something, something i can use to express myself, and sumthing that has solidity and a good medium, somethig that i can use to convey the message, but without just saying the message. a plot, a story, something more distracting adn difficult to write that a simple direct truth. or perhaps it is really easier this way. i dont kno.

i'm so bored. nothing seems to give me any real enjoyment. things are just distractions now, but i need to figure out what i am being distracted from. maybe i already kno. maybe. it just doesnt make any sense. its all so damn inconsistant. somethings just dont make any sense anymore. some things make too much sense. i'm bored with my life, bored with my distractions, bored with my people. i'm tired of wearing the mask, of carrying the load, whether its mine that should be shared but isnt, or mine that is shared but shouldnt be, someones which i should be sharing, or sumone's whose i shouldnt be sharing. i'm tired of being empty. i'm tired of being bored.

i had something that interested me, that wasnt just a distraction. something that gave me something. something that gave me life, something that made sense, that envigorated me. it made me feel, it made me full. for the first time in so long, i had something. but i seem to have lost it. maybe i can get it back, maybe i cant. i dont kno anymore.

to anyone who reads this, i'll be ok. i wont do anything. thats not me. at least, thats not my mask. as long as i stay behind it, i wont do anything. and thats the problem. i wont do anything. i wont get hurt, but i wont get healed. that only leaves my old injuries to fester and burn and my body and soul to rot away. so i've got to take away the mask. i've got to do something. i've got to act. i've got to live.

WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHAT DID HAPPEN? WHY DID EVERYTHING HAVE TO GO LIKE THIS? AND WHY DID I DO IT? WHY DID I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING LIKE I DID, WHY DID I HAVE TO MAKE IT ALL MY FAULT? GOD DAMMIT!!! DAMN!!! IT!!!

well isnt that ironic

Sun, 18 Jan 2004 21:18:49 GMT

recent developement with ashley. apparently she's having a good deal of trouble with her ex, quentin. she told me about it. interesting back story. somewhat similar to me and fieger, with a few details different. rather important details, but thats irrevelant. point is, one thing sorta of stuck with me, ended up being extremely ironic, even tho i didnt realize it until later. as i was trying to give her some sorta of consolation/advise, she said that originally, quentin was everything she had ever wanted, phiscally, emotionally, mentally. that in essence, after liking him for so long, it was perfect when they finally got together. after a while things just changed and she eventually broke up with him. now he wants to get back together, and she seems to sort of want to as well. so things just got a whole lot trickier. and of course the ironic part. all the stuff she said about quentin, is basically exactly how i feel about her. i didnt say that of course. didnt even think it at the time, took me a while to realize it, but its tru, and its painfully ironic. ive got so many things to say, so much i want to talk to her about, but i cant help but feel that she's got enough to deal with right now. and so i dont say what i wanna. and it sucks. dammit.

the other side...

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 02:04:59 GMT

i do have to give myself some credit tho. after all, i had never really felt that way(nervous) so strongly or so long. hell i could just barely breathe, i was absolutely terrified. for no real reason of course, but icant help that i felt that way. even after i told her how i felt, i couldnt help feeling the same nervousness, although perhaps not quite as strong, for the rest of the night until i went to bed, and even then i was so worried that i couldnt fall asleep for hours. i dont really think of this as an excuse but more a rationalization. at least i kno i didnt just go completely insane. but i shouldnt have done what i did, it was stupid. i couldnt control myself, and something bad happened. will this never end? i really wasnt myself then, as nick was able to tell me after just a few words over aim. going out of my mind like that is really unusual for me. nick had actually never seen me like that before. i keep refering to nick because he was the only other person present at that time who i was talking to about the matter. anyway, i still feel the same as i had in the last entry. and ive still got no idea what to do.

continuing

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 01:40:36 GMT

anyway, in continuation of the last entry, i'm extraordinarily confused. and i feel really stupid for a series o reasons. i'll start with those reasons now. first off, the reason i feel like such a fucking idiot is that i kno, or at least think, that this is all my fault. i am the source of all my problems. i felt really nervous about goin to ashley's and that's when everything started to go downhill. i messed all that up and if i hadnt done anything, this would prolly be a good bit different, in a good way. and now the second reason i feel like such an ass, i figured sumthing out. i overreacted. really really overreacted. in a recent epiphany, i found out that my isolated attack of nerves was not so incredibly isolated as i had thought. i recognized the feeling as we were goin to my indoor soccer gmae not long ago. and later, as i though about that, i realized that it was the same feeling. and the feeling was truly inconsequential. i feel it all the time before soccer, but once i get on the field i'm fine. WHY COULDN'T I HAVE REALIZED THIS SOONER?!?!?! god dammit. through all this, i can help feeling confused. this is because of a clear and simple reason. ashley told me she valued me most as a friend. however, she never told me y. and i cant figure it out. i wish i just knew y, i wish i would just ask. but maybe i dont want to kno, really. hell, to be honest, looking back on it, i wish this had never happened. not everything, just whatever it was that i screwed myself over with. i want her to kno how i feel, but i want us to be together. in summary, if i could, i would take it all back.

Some really recent thoughts...

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 01:38:39 GMT

I've got some alone time, with no one here to annoyingly peer over my shoulder or distract me at all. quite convienient. so i'm going to take this opportunity to make an entry about something that has been bothering me a lot recently...ashley.
picking up from where i left off on our history in the first entry ever, ashley basically asked me over to her house, alone. in a nut shell, i wussed out. i felt so incredibly nervous about goin over to her house. it was ridiculous. this is what i should have wanted, and instead of being happy i was afraid. in an attempt to explain myslef, i told ashley that i liked her, but i just wasnt ready. after all, i guess i did like her and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to come because of her. a difficult admittance to make, but one i felt i had to confess because of possible repercussions. this is where the confusion that had initially started when she asked me to come over to her house got worse. the next day she told me that she valued me most as a friend. over the last week or so she's had us all over a few times. but i'm stil really confused. basically, the friend thing is sorta what i wanted, just so we could get to kno each other a bit better. but now i just dont kno what's goin on between us. i dont know what to do or how to act when i'm around her. because although she wanted me to come over to her house and i said i liked her, she never really said she likes me. she sorta said she did, but i dont kno if she still does. so when she has us over, i dont kno if i should just act friendly around her, or try to act more then friendly. regardless, i want to act more than friendly, but i dont kno if i should. it could just make things even more complicated. this just feel funny now. i dont kno how she feels about us, what exactly "we" are, or even completely how i feel about us. it jsut seems like nothing is definite, that its all just really fuzzy. maybe she doesnt even kno herself. i'm just so fucking confused! i have no idea what is goin on, i kno she has to have some idea of what is goin on, just like i do. but i'm not certain. she may not be either. but we need to talk about it. the problem is, if she is sure about it, a talk may not be something she needs. i dont wanna cause trouble between us. but i dont wanna stay confused like this. this whole thing is sorta like the movie underworld right now, only we have way too much plot instead of not enough, but it still makes no sense at all. and of course i've got so much more to say, but my bro "needs" to use the computer. again. i hate this shit. all of it. sigh.